The rain drips down the windowpane in this somewhat dingy coffee shop in Corvallis, Oregon. It’s been almost a month since my visit to Germany and since then I have managed to pack all of my belongings into my car and move across the country. June 8th marked the beginning of what will be a six month stint of moving between place to place in preparation for the larger move to Tübingen in January.
The rain drips down the windowpane in the slowly emptying coffee shop, and yet I am still here. There have been a lot of these coffee shops in the past few weeks and a lot of time spent with me, journal in hand, staring out the window. Why, you ask? Let me tell you, kind reader.
I think I have a problem. I think I am sick. Sure, my body sometimes does not feel the best, but there is something else going on in me. There is an exhaustion that has set in my body that is stemming from a heart that does not know how to rest well.
I discovered this all too well when I collapsed under a desert tree about 2/3 of the way to Delicate Arch near Moab, Utah. My friend Jeremy was helping me move across the country, and as we traveled, I wanted to make a stop at what is becoming one of my favorite hiking spots in the country: Arches National Park. After driving around for a bit, we began the journey up the red rock face in the 100º weather. Sure, I felt a bit sick before we went, but I could push through it. I had become accustomed to “pushing through” those warning signs in order to get tasks done. This hike was another such task, but unlike others, it pushed back. I got sick, and had to sit under a tree while my friend finished the hike.
Under that tree, I had a little heart to heart time with God. He began to show me that I could not expect myself to sustain the pace of life I had set while I was in College and Grad School. 5 hours of sleep every night and 15 hours of work every day is not the rhythm He had made for me. Accomplishing things was good, but denying rhythm is not.
I have been promising myself that I would take some rest during the next phase of life for several years. And as I am beginning preparation for the big move to Germany, I find that I still want to push that rest time further away. It’s almost like I don’t know how to rest. I learned patterns of rest that included power naps, caffeine shots, and an occasional week off (most of the time spent adventuring with friends). How long can 20 minute naps and Quad shot Americanos last? Does it actually recharge you? It turns out, that does not actually count as rest.
So as I travel around, visiting friends and preparing for partnership development, I find that I have another task on my to-do list: Learn how to rest. I’ve been procrastinating on this for several years, but it has come time to pay the piper. It turns out it is harder to learn than I thought. I am spending time trying to dig down and figure out how to rest, and that involves a lot of coffee shop window-staring.
As I go through the non-task of learning how to rest, I am reminded to some studies I did on Sabbath in seminary. Marva Dawn made the following comment on what it means to be called by God to a Sabbath lifestyle as we pursue Kingdom calling. It has been helpful to me as I contemplate what it means to be a rested person in the Kingdom. Maybe it’ll be helpful for you.
“The sense of our call is that God’s Kingdom reclaims us,
revitalizes us, and renews us and thus reigns
through us before others, on behalf of others,
sometimes in spite of others, and always with others.”
Peace and Rest to You,
Tony