It sneaks up on you, that culture shock thing.

You may think it’s happening, but it probably isn’t. You probably don’t think it’s happening, but all of a sudden you’re really sad or really mad or really both all at once and you don’t know why or how… and it’s probably happening.

It’s wanting to walk of out language class, not because it’s “too hard” but because you are starting to think that if you hear one more “ö” or “ü” you’ll go crazy and break some dishes.

It’s wanting to get as far away as possible from a person that has done nothing to you, but somehow makes you insecure in ways you never knew were possible.

It’s being angry in ways that could power a city if harnessed. It’s being sad and not knowing why, but really wishing you had a bar of chocolate to eat and a blanket to hide behind… because the world seems just to hard today. It just happens. And it sneaks up on you.

You’re not in control. It hurts. It’s hard.

 

It sneaks up on you, that Grace thing.

You may think you understand it, but you probably don’t. You probably think that it’s not a part of that situation you’re in that makes you scared and crazy and mad and sad all at once and you don’t know why …but it probably is.

It’s going into a coffee shop to try to sort out the chaos in your own head, and having a barista give you a smile that say “I know who you are, and I’m glad to see you today” in a way no “Freut mich” ever could have done.

It’s your team leader listening to you as you almost break into tears, and as much as you feel embarrassed, knowing that it is ok to be unsettled and out of control because she tells you that with a smile and says that the chaos is good.

It’s sitting at a dinner table in Austria with ten German students, and hearing stories told in English because you’re German isn’t that good and they want you to be a part of what’s going on in their evening, even if that means they have to navigate a language that is less comfortable than their mother-tongue.

And it’s nothing you can do, because it’s just there no matter how much you’re not.

You’re not in control. It hurts. It’s hard.

But it’s so, so good. You couldn’t make it through the one without the other. They are tied together, and you may not understand either, but you’re living into them anyway. And maybe that’s all you need anyway.

Still Wandering,

Tony