Whispers in the Middle

“It gets easier.”

Not all at once. Not even gradually.

It comes in waves, difficulty. The choppiness seems all-consuming at first, and then you start to find the rhythm of the swells. Anticipation is out of the question… that would be too easy.

No, you’re always in the middle of it.

There’s no practice run for what it’s like to be on a team. You just find yourself sitting at a meeting with six co-workers, and realize that you can either understand yourself as a part of this group or not. They love you. They value you. You’re already in the middle of it.

There’s no practice run for what it’s like to try to be in a new city, in a new culture. Figuring out what papers to file with the State, what items to document in your budgets, how to order food, or how to fight that loneliness that comes with the newness is tough. You think that other people know how to do this better than you, that somehow they have some secret knowledge that makes all of this easier. But really they don’t. They just had to figure it out too. They landed in the middle of it. Their big secret is that they just had to make it work. You do too. You’re already in the middle of it.

It seems crazy. Sometimes you just want to hide under a blanket until things can just calm down a little. Sometimes you end up doing just that.

And it gets easier.

You find budding friendships that replace the blanket. You sit on the Neckarmauer with Jack, exchanging stories from your day. You play a new board game with Tyler and Shalynn, drinking coffee and talking about what it’s like to be foreigners. You make Sushi with Jeremy and Hannah, hearing stories of going along the Trans-Siberian Railroad and laughing at the joys of traveling.

You find that the foreign place you landed two months ago is becoming known. You can talk with a student for a few minutes in German and actually contribute to the conversation. You are invited to help wash some dishes for the people you are trying to church with. You understand a few streets well enough to try to take an alternative route to a meeting, enjoying an “adventure” that is walking down a new street.

 

It’s not because you deserve it. It’s not because you were good enough. It’s not because you were in control. Opposite. It is tied up completely in that “Grace” thing that seems to be so hard for you to understand, but keeps showing up nonetheless.

There is so much more to learn. There are many hard days and hard nights. And there’s a big part of me that just wants to sleep for a month because it takes so much energy to keep “being in the middle of it.”

And still there is Grace.

And when you are tried of trying, He whispers:

“It gets easier.”

 

Still Wandering,

Tony

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