I thought I saw the sun today.

Maybe it was a trick. Yellow leaves shimmer in the cold breeze. Maybe that’s all I saw.

I forgot how dark it can get here. The cold weather seems to have set in, giving very little of the much hoped for “golden October,” the last burst of life sometimes seen in late fall. Black Coats, Stocking Caps, and Umbrellas come out and fill the streets with foreboding anonymity.

I get angry for a second, because it seems cruel.

Anger isn’t really the right emotion, but it’s a good cover for what’s really happening underneath. I mean, I knew this was coming. I thought I could be prepared this time. Maybe that’s why I got angry. It snuck up on me.

It’s no fun at all to realize the sadness is setting in. That’s what the darkness means for me. It means waking up, and realizing that you can’t simply have had that many “bad days” in a row. The weather, the light works its ways on me. It brings me to a point of vulnerability. At its best, the bad days take longer to shake off. At its worst, the bad days turn into bad weeks. If you’re not careful, you get stuck.

 

 

It’s going to be ok.

 

“We never get too old, Tony, to hear that,” she said to me. “We never get to a point in life where we don’t need someone to look us in the eye and say, ‘It’s going to be ok.’”

I wasn’t expecting to hear those words come from her mouth. This more than cheery sixty-something woman and I were discussing personality integration models and the words just slipped out. “Don’t forget how to say those words. Don’t forget how to hear those words.”

An angsty teenage part of myself became a bit outraged. How could someone else possibly know if “it” was in fact going to be ok? Where’s the authenticity in that? How could I ever say that to another human? Why should I ever believe it when someone says it to me?

But there’s a reason we leave the “angsty teenage part” of ourselves in our teenage years. It’s good to be awakened to questions of honesty and authenticity, but there comes a point where you need to get on with living. Life isn’t always clearly cut in terms of “meaning it” and not, of “understanding” and not. Sometimes an Ass says the words of God.

I don’t know where you, dear reader, are at right now. I’m not sure if there’s sun in your world or if you’ve got three dark months ahead of you as well. Wherever you’re at, and whatever you think of it, you should know this:

It’s going to be ok.

We are going to be ok.

 

Still Wandering,

Tony