Control.
I like it. Too much.
I like being able to know what is coming. I like to know details. I like to be able to change things that I think are harmful. I like doing things ahead of time, so that I don’t get surprised.
Anticipation. Preparedness. All seemingly virtuous, desirable characteristics.
That is, until they are not had. It is then that you see people react in a variety of ways. Some are just fine. They love to go with the flow and they view changes in plans as an excuse for adventure. Some are ambivalent, and it neither troubles them or excites them. They just go on with life in a weird semi-nihilistic way. And some react as if the world is crashing down around them. They see sudden change as an obstacle that poses catastrophic consequences if not dealt quickly and decisively. When this last group speaks up, the words “control freak” often slip out of unlatched lips. And as much as I wish it were otherwise, I find more often than not I am the object of these words.
Over the past 6 months I have been working toward an early January departure to start this next phase of life in Germany. I have been working really hard to help this come together and have been watching God move in some powerful ways to bring things together so that it would seem to be an attainable goal. We first were shooting for January 5th, but after some conversation with my team in Germany, we discovered that the 10th was about as early as I could go. So I set a marker on that date and used its ever-increasing immanence as my impetus.
Deadlines. Goals. Lists. Tasks.
As we have been getting closer to that date, I still was not quite where my director want me to be with funding. The holidays hit, and though I kept working, a lot of the world asked for me to chill out a bit and let them rest. Here’s a little picture of what it looked like (Pardon the 3rd person):
December 23rd – Tony thinks he’s going to make his goals by January 10th, so he requests clearance.
December 24th – Tony checks his email. No response.
December 26th – Tony checks his email. No response.
December 27th, 28th, & 30th – Tony checks his email. No response.
December 31st – Tony gets a response that tells him that he’s not quite ready to be cleared for departure. Tony is told that he might not be leaving on the 10th, that it might be some time later in the month.
December 31st-January 1st – Tony uses all of his internal fortitude (and borrows some from others) to keep from spiraling into internal chaos. Tony realizes he has some heart problems that he needs to confront.
Those moments when you feel like your world is falling a part become good moments to ask what’s wrong. And as much as I wish I could legitimately blame it on logistical problems that are caused in unknowing and ambiguity, most of the trouble was emotional. Trading “known” goals for ambiguous waiting was asking more than my little heart could handle, or so I thought. Living in this tension I feel right now for an indefinite period of time seems too difficult. And somewhere deep down within all of this lived the fear that I had not done enough yet to earn my place on this team, in this mission… that somehow I had been found wanting.
Freak might be the right word for me in this. Unstable to say the least. And yet, revealing. If you take a persons weakness and put them in a context where that is prevalent, you get to see a lot of their heart and story come out in their reactions. Take all of this into Jesus-community, and you get a powerful opportunity to explore what transformation looks like.
“It’s Grace, Tony.”
“Grace means more than morality,” Russell said to me. “Your inclusion in this mission is Grace too. It’s a gift and it’s not because of what you’ve done, but what Jesus did and is doing. You have got to accept that, friend.”
He is right. My insecurity betrayed me. It showed my disordered understanding of how this whole thing works. Because there is more going on here than my efforts or my ability to accomplish things by a certain date. This is all wrapped up in something bigger, and in a far more given than taken way.
You can’t control Grace. She does what she pleases.
Thank God for that.
Still Wandering,
Tony